(Originally appeared in Mutant Renegade Zine #12, Fall 1999)
OK, ok, so how do you know when you're too drunk?
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job is interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor...
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women or Men.
- Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
- Roseanne looks good.
- Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
- I'm as jober as a sudge.