(Originally appeared in Mutant Renegade Zine #8, WInter 1999)
Many species have been studied and cataloged as to their mating rituals. However I have never seen a coherent thesis as to how rednecks come to mate. Yes, the most common notion is that whenever relatives are in a close proximity and alcohol is present mating will occur. But, what about these two other peculiar rituals of rednecks. The males drive around in small (escort, civic, etc.) souped up cars with small fat wheels, and large sound systems. The females sit on their front porches with their relatives, a fridge, a washing machine and whatever else seems essential to them.
I believe that these two bizarre behaviors are actually a link in the redneck ritual of mating. From my brief observations, (I really didn' t want to observe to closely or for to long) I believe I have a hypothesis which ties everything together. Like many other species the males try to find a mate in some impressive way.
The male redneck has come to the conclusion that he is more attractive and a better mate if he buys a subcompact, soups it up, puts on small fat tires, a stereo system that costs as much as the car did and maybe even neon lights under the frame. Once this is accomplished he cruises around trailer parks or other appropriate redneck havens looking for a mate.
The female sits on her respective porch with at least one older relative (ma, pa, grandpappy, aunt, uncle, etc.) and displays all of their luxury wares. This is where the fridge and washing machine come in handy. They can tell the male that she is capable of cooking and doing laundry. As the male drives by, he will check out the goods (including the "assets" on the scantily clad girl) and see if he' s interested. The girls' older relative will analyze the car and it' s sound system (including type of music being played) and tell the girl if it' s acceptable for a date.
Sometime later the car will return if he thinks she is the best prospect for the night and a deal might be made on the spot. If more than one male shows up at the same time they can either take turns mating (usually only acceptable if they are blood relatives) or have an impromptu SPL contest. I believe the loudest car wins, but the loser can always knife the winner in the so honorable redneck fashion.
If the male was successful the female will start shooting out "pups" within nine months and file a paternity suit against the male. It has been rumored that some males with large sound systems can father over three hundred children in one year. I believe that due to this fascinating (?) ritual the redneck will never be extinct.