(Originally appeared in Mutant Renegade Zine #10, Winter 1999)

Age?

• Average Ages is 21
• Modern
• Old enough to know better: young enough to do it anyway
• Infinitely Wise--
• I forgot
• I am Forever 16!
• Momma says I'm still a lil' boy
• Aged perfectly

Sex?

• Equal Number of Male and Female
• Buy me a burger first
• Yes, please
• Pretty often
• Not enough, i mean male
• Always--especially during the full moon--it's huntin' season, Babe
• Only from behind
• yes, please female
• With who? The list can go on and on...
• I don't know you that well!

Sign?

• Aquarius
• Libra (2)
• Taurus, Virgo moon rising
• Scorpio!!! (3)
• Pieces
• Gemini (2)
• Greenlight--GO!!!
• Merge
• Skeptic - profoundly offended by astrology (no shit.)
• Hedgehog
• Taurus (2)
• Aries (April 19)
• Middle finger

What makes you think you're so special?

• Nothing I realize I am human. No more and no less than anyone else. A being that by being may be special, but per haps not.
• HA! Your syntax error has eliminated your cleverness. I will lord over you and berate you until you are a craven zombie begging to tell me I'm fucking special.
• Yo, I'm phat. I best not be hearin any back talk...I'll bust a cap in your ass.
• I'm special because I think for myself.
• I can be myself without worrying what U think!
• I've sang onstage with Iggy Pop, Joey Shithead bled on me, I've seen Metallica 9 times long before they were popular.
• I've got brass in pocket!
• My sweater and my new guitar
• A natural split in my tongue--great for sex--Ooooh Baby
• hugely wasted potential
• I never said special - I said SPACIAL. I weigh in at a hardy 335 pounds.
• The fact that I'm a Libra and Libra's kick ass!
• my mom told me i am
• I am. Pearl Jam loves me and I'm their sexiest & biggest fan (Not literally fat)
• The way I have pre-marital sex with rock stars. Pearl Jam and Simpsons knowledge.
• I have plaid cow disease.
• I can kix my own ass.
• I make dryer sounds when I eat fabric softner.
• I have a dynamic personality and can sing "American Pie" backwards.

What is punk?

• The ideal is open-minded individuals, the same as hippies, beatniks and such. The reality: mostly close-minded herd of individuals.
• A subculture based on a subgenre. Breeds pop stars, not revolutionaries. A disappointment.
• I'm not really sure, but I know it's a sub-culture that I don't quite understand. I'm too much of a reject to be accepted by the 'punk' people.
• Punk is using the power of will to conduct your life in your own way on your own terms in the way most healthy and productive for you - in a way that is progressive, and quite liberal. It's not only music and fashion.
• Self-expression.
• Everything I know about punk I learned from Gail Dafler, Nick Kizirnis, Ed Lacy, Patric Jones and Dave Graeter. Therefore my answer is: Jerry Springer.
• Going to get sushi and not paying.
• Music: Crass, Replacements, Misfits, "early" Beatles, G.G. Allin... attitude: definitely not those stupid NOFX fuckers. Damning the man, pretty much a revised hippie.
• My ass.
• Punk is hiding from alternative
• Ideally its a network of kids who share similar interests and dabble in politics. At its worst, its a clique, chock full of elitist know-it-all brats who haven't really experienced the world and go around calling everyone "sell-outs" who don't live in squallier past 30. Its both, really.
• Punk is adolescence.
• Punk is the goodness that lives in all of us. it is the light at the end of the tunnel. well, maybe not.
• Something I don't dig. Grunge is it bay-bee!!
• Funk with a P
• Me. I created punk, I am punk.
• Punk kix my momz ass.
• Her last name was Brewster and she had big tits. I think she did an inedie film with Scott Baio.
• Getting fucked up the arse. At least that's what William S. Burroughs says.

Old scene, New scene, What scene? And why?

• No scenes - scenes are the problem. Just be yourself.
• Mine. I always seem to be there. It's an old one, though.
• I'll have to go with old scene...because I live in the past and I'm very nostalgic.
• I try to conform to no scene - or every scene at once!
• Old - it was real / original
• On the bandwagon, on you go - One more trend, one more show.
• Obscene.
• I missed all the cool stuff.
• Public scene--makes sex more fun
• Chapel hill 1995-- superchunk, etc. Paris 1925-- Hemingway, etc. New York 1975-- CBGB's, etc
• Which scene? It really depends on where in the world you are. There's the MRR scene, the crusties that hang out on Haight St., the bleach blonde Fat Wreck scene, the club scene, the jaded old critics, the swing scene (yech), the rockabilly scene... the list goes on and on. Sometimes the scenes overlap, but I'm too busy working to investigate further. I prefer the Stinky's Peep Show scene at CW Saloon. Its like punk rock homecoming. You never know what alumnus you're going to see there that you haven't scene in years. And, hey kids (!), the Fat Wreck crew hangs out there! Woo-hooo!
• What scene and I'm not sure why.
• Old. because.
• Grunge scene. Pearl Jam...need I say more. Look at Eddie. C'mon.
• Seattle scene, uh, Eddie Vedder!
• My own scene. Me and a couple of other punks like to hang out at the bowling alley.
• Fuck you.
• I wish I would have my card renewed
• New York City, 1976.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

• A midlevel executive like Dilbert's boss. Just paid to be there. Actually I want to own a bookstore.
• 1. Alligator 2. Immature
• I want to be a kewl ass gangsta mofo.
• When I grow up I want to be a rock star.
• Stay myself - fun, silly, adventurous, open to new things.
• A people greeter at Wal-Mart.
• Happy
• I hope I don't grow up, but if I do President.
• Gigolo...have a harem
• Fuck off!
• A famous novelist or maybe quilt maker.
• A young person.
• good question. i think i will kill myself on my 30th birthday, but before that, maybe a dog breeder or something
• Besides Eddie Vedder's wife...uh a porn star. Ed sez I'm good :)
• Cop / Roadie
• A fireman! A policeman! A lawyer! (Well, in a ska punk band.)
• Pleaz repeat...
• Dieselfitter or Nurse Shark
• Dead

What's your favorite cartoon and cartoon character?

• Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo
• Animated: Herculoids, Aeon Flux, some Anime. Still: JTHM, Squee,
• Clowes, Dorkin, Bagge, Crumb, Pekar, Others.
• My favorite cartoon is the Simpsons, and my favorite cartoon character is Poochie the totally extreme dog.
• Bugs Bunny forever - or Milk & Cheese.
• Now - "Doug" - Doug; Yesteryear - Ducktales - Launchpad; Alltime favs - Spiderman & Storm from "X-Men".
• The Mystery Addicts / Jamy Holiday or any of the people who hang out at the Southern Belle.
• The Simpsons--too difficult to pick a favorite character. It is the interaction between the characters that make the show a brilliant satire of American culture.
• Favorite cartoon: The Simpsons "DUH!" Favorite character: Droopy dog, he doesn't take shit from anyone!
• Freakazoid--that's what I am
• Popeye, bob dole from the conan o'brien show
• The Point. Oblio.
• Bugs.
• Simpsons. Homer
• They haven't made an animated Eddie Vedder yet so I guess Lucky the dalmation will suffice.
• Simpsons / Grounds Keeper Willie
• Ren & Stimpy. Tony the Tiger, he's not a cartoon character, but he's animated.
• Whaz a cartoony?
• Jesus
• A. Scooby Doo!! B. Jaime Holiday!

What are you rebelling against?

• The close-minded herd mentality that prevails in all of society.
• The somnambulism that's supplanted the real American dream.
• Everything.
• Suburban conformity & what it equals: a life wearing blinders to what's ugly and real. Ugly and real is like the new moon - couldn't have a full moon without it.
• hmmm...maybe too much.
• The senseless killing of the spotted deaf mole mourning rodent on the plains of Wyoming - Stop The Madness.
• I wasn't aware that I was...but now that you mention it: I'm not.
• Corporate radio
• Talking, cuddling, and kissing after sex. Showering after sex is good
• Anything worth more money than me.
• Corporations and republicans just like ya'll!
• Debt.
• People who hate Pearl Jam and a boring-ass society.
• Meat eaters
• School dress codes.
• Against the voices that emerge from tha damn shit that's still in the toilet.
• Fringy pants
• Grog!

Who's bad?

• Who isn't?
• Dolomite, period.
• Shaft, Michael Jackson and Bucky Fark
• Pat Buchanan, Madeline Albright, Jesse Helms, PMRC in the white house, most Korn fans.
• Chen Marshall
• Evidently, I am!
• I always thought the Who was okay myself.
• The love child of Phil Collins and Debbie Gibson.
• Michael Jackson (Just for J)
• michael jackson
• Ron Donovan, Firehouse Kustom Rockart Co. In every way.
• Newhart.
• Shaft. (oh, was i supposed to say grog or mite or something?)
• Me and Eddie Vedder.
• You're bad, baby!
• Bad, I'm bad, you know it...-Michael Jackson
• My grandma
• You bad!
• Isn't Michael Jackson bad??

Prove to us that you aren't on dope right now?

• I can't, why should I?
• You'd have to be stoned to prove a negative, I think.
• Why does it matter?
• I'm not on dope because I can still spell hallucinogens or maybe I can't. Is that right? Well, I'm hung over, so is that dope?
• Uhhh...
• I'm currently writing this from a drug / alcohol re-hab.
• No.
• Prove to me you aren't.
• Too busy with sex
• The ants in France like to lick my pants
• Does catnip count?
• I don't think that's possible.
• What's dope?
• Well, I had to correct the question on #5 from 'why' to 'what'.
• I can't be. My dope's in Johnson's underwear.
• I can stand up.
• Smell the fucking paper. Wuz it smell like to you? And sidz, I'm not on dope I juz smoke it.
• I can't run the copier when I'm high.
• But, I am!! Tonz of it!!

Why ask why not?

• Whenever
• Why not ask why not? Dumbass. Sheesh.
• Wow...this one's a brain teaser. All right, I admit it...I'm on dope.
• Why not? Every progression of human consciousness is the result of this question.
• Why not?!
• There's a lady whose sure all that glitters is...(I refuse to type this lame crap)
• Because mommy said so.
• Why ask why? Why answer anyway?
• Interrupts foreplay
• When your boss says he can't pay you more. when the government says you can't marry who you want. when the record company says you're not marketable.
• Huh!!!???
• Because asking why not indicates an apathetic attitude, which would cause me to believe that some effort would be required to even ask why not, so I don't think anyone actually would if they're being true to themselves.
• Huh? my brain is fuzzy
• Because there are some dumbasses out there that need to know ok.
• Try Bud Dry.
• Why not?
• Cause Grog is wearing a loincloth.
• 6:30 am Sunday...Why "Why Not" was invented.
• or ask why several tires in a row little a pathetic three year old and droll on yourself.

MRZ online is...

• Someplace I have never been.
• Your website...wadda I win?
• Wicked kick ass
• MRZ online is better than a priest blowing Barney on Easter Sunday in the courtyard of the Vatican.
• ...I'll be honest, I dunno.
• I hate anything followed by .com It's a conspiracy I tells ya, a fucking conspiracy.
• The Savior of Dayton's underground.
• Nifty.
• My Red Zucchini
• What's up with the fish thing?
• Ummmm... I haven't checked it out yet. I kind of hate ezines. I stare at a computer almost all day long doing graphics and what not. The last thing I want to do is stare at it for fun.
• One crazy ass web site.
• What am i supposed to say, to that? um. its interesting.
• All dat & a bag of chips, salsa dip and a box of chocolates with a cup of red Kool-Aid, man! :)
• My Rebel Zebra at Ticketmaster?
• Duh...
• MRZ is online?
• Undiscovered to me. (Sorry)
• online. What a dumb arsed question Grog. Are you on dope? (No, but Mite must be since he made up that question...)

Describe your most recent dream with Mite in it

• I haven't remembered my dreams since I started taking Prozac.
• Slept right through it.
• I'm walking through a misty forest wearing a very pretty blue dress...suddenly I see a giant spider with Mite's head on it. He's waering a dope hat while doing silly spider dances around a giant mushroom. He's also singing a very strange version of "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" by Cindy Lauper in a high pitched voice...that's when I woke up.
• Mite was gently placing a derby made of spam and Elmer's glue on the ass of Mr. Ed who was lip-synching to Catherine Wheel most dramatically. Alyssa Milano came in naked except for her grey tube socks with yellow and green stripes playing a mad mandolin solo over the song. When the song was done Korn came on and she ate the Spam hat as Mite masturbated totally turned on by her lips, all her lips.
• Hmmm...I need a picture of Mite.
• His box was tight and he had not tits. Then he told me to get off his back.
• I encountered a castle with the sign *Lothlorian Club* over the door. I knocked on the heavy wooden doors and was greeted by Mite wearing Homer Simpson pajamas. I shall reveal no more.....
• A candle came out of a sore in my arm, PJ and Gary were the paramedics sent to help. The doctor wouldn't see me. I went to dinner with Justin and smoked a cigar, noticed there was still a hole in my arm. Tried to leave but Mite wanted to make love to me first.
• If it's the guy in the picture on your wall--sex in 1470. If not, just sex.
• I mite have gotten laid if i didn't wake up when i did.
• Huhhhh!!!???
• He was having sex with a duck billed platypus on a San Diego public bus...no just kidding...it was St. Louis.
• I shouldn't say, i wouldn't want to get his, hopes up
• I was fucking Eddie Vedder raw and I was preparing to do the Lewinsky luai with him...but that Mite not have been a dream. Tee hee.
• I was with Eddie Vedder and I took a bite...kinda like Mite, right?
• Duh...
• It kicked azz.
• I awoke to million pebbles and a mite of a hundred oxen.
• Well, I was strolling through a sea of purple jello with no clothes on and Mite had a vicious smile on his face... and you get the rest. He ran!!! (But which way did he run?)

Grog is running at you wearing a loincloth and waving a fish in the air. What do you do! What do you do!!?

• Jackie Chan up the wall, grab the fish out of his hand and place it in the loincloth.
• You'd have to describe the loincloth. That's wherein lies the answer. Don't be distracted by the fish.
• I pull out a larger fish and do Monty Python's 'Fish Slapping Dance' on the unsuspecting savage.
• Trip him, grab the fish and stick my dick in his mouth.
• Take off the loincloth.
• Fall to my knees and worship him as though he were a Greek god.
• Join in: of course.
• What else? Take the fish out of my pants and join in!
• Spread my legs--just for you Babe.
• What color loincloth and what kind of fish? what color fish and what kind of loincloth?
• Turn around and put my hands on a chair of course!
• Give up my earthly belongings and follow.
• Well....first of all i'd get rid of the fish
• Scream, "Put that damn fish down! Wash your hands!" And ask, "Who's yo mama?"
• Take off my shirt and build a castle of Lego's.
• I'd take a picture of it, and join in on the fun.
• I'd kiss Grog then beat his ass.
• Eat the fish, wipe my mouth clean with the loincloth, display Grog for all to see.
• Kick him in the nutz.