(Originally appeared in Mutant Renegade Zine #10, Spring 1999)
The "Holey" Trinity's Guide for Great Sex was developed by a group of three made up of Armando, Hubberd, and of course myself. We three crossed paths. Not one of us thought our bond (not bondage) would have developed so strong nor so fast. But nonetheless, we are now known as The "Holey" Trinity. All three of us have VERY active sex lives, over much food and even more memories and imagination, we developed this small list. Every single item on this list has been experienced by at least one of us - but never together. The "Holey" Trinity is anxious to experience the new ideas that the other two members contributed to The List. The List took a period of approximately 43200 minutes of sharing past experiences of passionate and sometimes emotional sex. The "Holey" Trinity hopes The List will aid you in taking the first steps of many in exploring the wonderful world of love and sex.
- One night stands are great (with condoms of course)...imagine the passion and excitement...go for the kill in the hunt
- Sex without attachments are even better...but getting 'attached' to the bedpost is another story...
- Sex with friends fuck things up...but friendly sex or sex friends are grand to cum to
- My days of training are over...NOT!!! Training is usually required...talk to your fuck-mate
- Oral sex is great...minimal training required
- When giving a woman oral sex...try spelling out the alphabet...professionals can go for alphabets in different languages...try Turkish
- Here's a trick to get rid of goose bumps...especially on the legs...there's nothing better than hot breath and a warm wet tongue on the inner thighs to make those ugly goose bumps go away... works for both men and women
- Trying to give yourself oral sexis like a dog chasing his own fucking tail...but I'd never leave my house!!!
- Masturbation cums and it goes...be sure to exercise your left as well as your right
- IF masturbation becomes a bore - sit on your right hand until it falls asleep and pretend it's someone else's
- IF both hands are blistered and sore, drink much alcohol and don't piss until you can't stand it any longer...when you finally go, it'll feel like a great lay
- People, who are not comfortable with their bodies, are a bad lay...how can you tell??? Well, if they say, "Do I look fat in the dress?" is a dead fucking give away
- If having sex with your partner becomes a chore...find another partner...what more can I say?
- Sex with the lights off is a bore...candle lights, incense and great music (The Cure does it for me) is a huge turn on
- Reading to your partner is like foreplay...have your bookmark handy
- This is for all you musicians out there...strum your guitar naked and sing your lover a ballad ...you have permission to skip the foreplay
- Full body massages always leads to sex...go for the front as well as the back...don't forget ALL of the lower extremities
- Foot massages and toe licking...yummy...hell, just go for the licking
- Mutual shaving ranks up there with mutual masturbation
- When going Commando...watch out for the zipper when dry fucking
- For all you she-ras (or she-men)...help your 'friend' make the adjustment...before the dry fuck
- Sex and food always go together...cooking is one of many code words for fucking...
- A banana split with the two huge nutz is just the appetizer...not the main course
- A chocolate sundae is like having two scoops of Other...just as long as you get to the cherry... licking, sucking, nibbling, and biting the cherry is permissible
- Nibbling is okay...biting is fun (but don't draw blood)...eating is even better...and I'm not talking about food
- If you don't like being bitten (shame on you)...but try hot candle wax...especially on those 'sensitive' areas
- Light bondage is a huge tease...do it...imagine the anticipation just prior to penetration...now imagine that for an hour...oh fuck
- When the biting (or other ruff stuff) gets too much, don't bite back...it's a bigger turn on
- The best foreplay is the "almost kiss"...when your partner leans forward to kiss you...let them get close enough to almost kiss you...then pull back a bit...do that for about an hour, and you have one horny mother fucker on your hands
- Never stop fucking, especially JUST before your partner cums...someone will leave pretty fuckin' psst
- NEVER...I mean NEVER ask your partner, "What are you thinking about right now???"...if your partner asks the dumb fucking question, just respond with, "I'm done!"
- Take a look at the penis...doesn't it look like an upside down heart...it gives new meaning to "I love you from the bottom of my heart."
- Getting your asshole kissed (and it's not a pun!!!), adds many new dimensions to a great fuck
- Toys in bed...a done deal...and I'm not talking about PlayStation or Matel...but Mr Slinky can slink my way Baby
- Watching someone on the shitter is NOT a turn on...it just stinks up the place
- Playing in the rain is sexy, especially without undies...it ranks up there with playing Marco Polo naked with your best buddies
- Once a night is NEVER enuff...go for the quiver...apprentices can work their way up to God
- Always fuck your brains out during the full moon...it's huntin' season
- Public places are good too...it's the thrill and the adrenaline flow...it'll be quick, but it's one helluva foreplay action
- Hot tub...enuff said...damn, I forgot about the diving board...
- Shower after sex is good...showering with a friend is even better...make sure you get the soap suds everywhere
- Must christen every room, including the attic, the garage, hallways, and of course the stairs
- Two minute quickies are as sensuous as getting a hard-on with a quick wisp of the blowing wind...be sure to wear BOXERS...give yourself plenty of room
- Phone sex can be both good and bad...good because you and your friend can get off on it...bad because you and your friend may have too high of an expectation
- Phone sex after fucking is better than masturbating alone...it sure beats cuddling
- Videotaping your sexual encounters are exciting...just don't critique your partner's performance (i.e., penis size)...but the electric fire does make things look bigger
- Don't be like that Seinfield episode and try to sum up sex in THE Move...it takes many, many, many moves...oh yeah cheat sheets are a turn-off
- Variety is crucial...innovation is paramount
- ALWAYS share your sexual fantasies with your partner...you never know...your partner may be more into it then you are
- Try everything once...then try it again, to make sure you did it right the first time