(Originally appeared in Mutant Renegade Zine #???, Fall 1998)
1. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may make you think you are whispering when in fact you are not.
2. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol is a majore factor in dancing like an ass.
3. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
4. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
6. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
8. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
10. WARNING: Consumption of Alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to dissappear.